I could blog about my face… the fact that I keep telling people how ugly it is and how they keep telling me… no…. its not true… but it is true… and I am ok with it… its kind of like when the Zulu ladies on my mission would pinch me and laugh about how fat I was getting… I appreciated their honesty then and my own now

I could blog about how cute my nieces have been… how fun it was to share a piece of chocolate cake tonight before bed… I didn’t tell their parents… I kind of knew it wouldn’t be ok… its fun being an aunt…

I could blog about the details of eating small bites because my mouth only opens so wide because i have a fat swollen face…. or how people stare because i look battered… and how my eye has turned bloody…

I could blog about how cool it felt to shower after filling my lorotab Rx… and because of the lorotab I slept all day and am now wide awake with nothing better to do…

Or… this

Almost two weeks ago a friend explained to me… a little about me…I don’t know why, but in the past year I have been gifted with some really sacred friendships... this conversation with these two friends has brightened my perspective… In the conversation my friends were inviting me to move forward… to progress… to exercise the strength that my creator has already given me… but that I have had a hard time believing is really there… I knew they were right, but in that moment felt fear… fear of the unknown… fear… not totally trusting…

But starting the next day something about my confidence shifted… I believe and hope it is a permanent shift… time will only tell…. the conversation has given me courage to shed a bit of this shell… this ego… this process of shedding… in a way has handed me my life… or a more honest at peace version of it… we the people are always growing and progressing (hopefully)… so my future lessons may just again throw me into a whirlwind of questioning contemplation… but for now...

this… this act of shedding an exterior shell… It has been a sort of awakening… when in the hospital after mentioning that I lost my wallet two days before the nurse said, “it sounds like it has been a rough week”… and I said, actually it has been really great… one of the better… these temporary inconveniences wont take away the beauty… the awakening… this little insignificant accident has actually made me feel so loved and blessed… blessed because… I smashed my face into a truck and only have a few stitches, scrapes and bruises… and… I am spending the week with family that I never take the time for… and have felt the love of so many people… its been really great…

but back to the shedding… I just finished this book… this really great book… mentioned before… it is a beautiful book that I highly recommend… Anam Cara… soul friend…

“In our struggle with the silent and secret companion, death, the crucial battle is the one between the ego and the soul. The ego is the defensive shell we pull around our lives. It is afraid; it is threatened and grasping. It acts in an overly protective way and is very competitive. The soul, on the other hand, has no barriers. As the great Greek philosopher Heraclitus said, “The soul has no limits.” The soul is a pilgrim journeying toward endless horizons. There are no exclusion areas; the soul suffuses everything. Furthermore, the soul is in touch with the eternal dimension of time and is never afraid of what is yet to come. In a certain sense, the meeting with our own death in the daily forms of failure, pathos, negativity, fear, or destructiveness are actually opportunities to transfigure your ego. There are invitations to move out of that protective, controlling way of being toward an art of being that allows openness and hospitality. To practice this art of being is to come into your soul-rhythm. If you come into your soul-rhythm, then the final meeting with your physical death need not be threatening or destructive. That final meeting will be the encounter with your own deepest identity, namely, your soul” (O’Donohue, John: 216)

Soul-rhythm… it is easy… natural… and light… when we find it… it is effectively… feels like… jumping off a cliff and knowing it is the winds deepest desire to carry us… and then while in flight wondering why it was ever frightening…. Hmmm

Like I said… I hope it lasts…

it seems almost too easy...

I got hit by a truck...

i got this great shirt at a garage sale yesturday... and two more for only $6.00

and... i also got hit by a truck

so now i am more like two-face than ever... this is the good mug...

do you want the story?... do you really?... cause i am going to write it...

riding my scooter yesterday around 3:15 p.m. to stop by the apple store at the gateway for a few minutes... i didn't really pay attention to the huge 350 black truck in front of me... it moved way over to the left... i think i thought it was just heading for the left turn lane up ahead... i was wrong... it was actually turning right into the parking lot... it was a huge truck and probably needed the extra space to turn in... all i know is without warning this huge truck quickly moved into my lane... i slammed on my breaks... but my face hit the truck anyway... and my scooter and i went down... it sucked! mostly b/c i didn't have my phone with me and couldn't call anyone for help... i think the other driver was asking me for my insurance... but i wasn't even thinking about my bike... i was wondering why there was blood on my hands... a nice lady who i cant even remember let me use her phone and i called the only number i have memorized... the one i grew up with... luckily my mom was home... i didn't want to go in the ambulance b/c i know its pricey... and working for a non-profit i kind of live pay check to paycheck... my mom said she would pay for it so they put me on the board w/ a neck brace... people kept asking me for my birthday, address, and social security... it was pretty traumatic... and i am not really in much pain... i didn't break anything... i got a few stitches... but other than that i just look really ugly... the worst part was not being able to call anyone for help...

they numbed the pain in the hospital appropriately... and gave me a few pain pills... so i was a bit doped up when the police officer came into the hospital to issue me a ticket... i just started crying and said, "are you serious... you are giving me a ticket... i work for a non-profit"... it seriously hurt my feelings... he kept standing there i think trying to make himself feel better... he seemed like a nice guy... but no matter what he said to try and make things better i just wanted him to leave... he did finally...

i guess my mom called all of my relatives in SLC, but could only get a hold of my cousin Angie... I was so happy to see her there... Seriously... I was wondering how I would get home... I think I thought that I would just walk since LDS Hospital is only a few blocks from my apartment.... I am glad I didn't have to... Angie made a few jokes and held my hand when they scrubbed the road rash and when I got my stitches... she is really nice...

She dropped me off at home... I was supposed to meet up with my friend to go to a movie... I think I was illogically doped up and told him despite my situation I still wanted to go to the movie... So... 20 minutes after getting home he picked me up and we went... I am sure everyone thought he beat me up... I am glad I went... it is kind of weird that I did... but... I didnt really want to sit at home for some reason..

So... that is the story... Spencer and Shelly are going to come pick me up after their church today and I am going to spend a few days with them... I would be OK here... but I miss them and really want to be around family right now... I am pretty glad I have them near by... and knew this before... but have decided again... as long as I am living this independent single life I really need to live near family... so... my future options are limited... but like Angie said, "You don't realize you are in the bosom of your HUGE family"... it made me laugh... and it is true... and I am glad they are around...

that's the end...

i am the old person that you see with tissue stuffed in their ears at shows

My friend who has never listened to broken social scene... but who just knows things said, "this music is nice because it has no ego"...

I have been curious about the lyrics to 7/4 shoreline for a while... i like the way the female vocalist screams... i like the rhythm of it... so... um... i googled the lyrics... and here they are... the ones i like bouncing off my ears...

and even more better then just the lyrics ...to hear them belted out...



And you're walking away
But where to go to?
And you're walking alone,
But how to get through?
If you wanna get it right
You can own what you choose
But you wanna live a lie
And love what you lose

While you're walking away
And I'm trying to get through
But you've gotta know their lies
From the lies they've told you
If you try to do it up
It all will leave you
If you try to steal the beat
The beat will steal you

It's coming
It's coming in hard
It's coming
It's coming in hard
It's coming
It's coming in hard
It's coming
It's coming in hard
it's coming
It's coming in hard
It's coming
It's coming in hard
It's coming
It's coming in hard
It's coming
It's coming in-

It's a shoreline
And it's halfspeed
It's a cruel world
And it's time

wilco

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=92089028

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=19271953

enjoy.

and this... not very clear... but probably my favorite song sung by wilco... a woody guthrie cover... they opened with it... oh... its a beauty!

i learned to drive in that van

When I was young… I thought I had to like everyone… had a belief that all people were innately good… I distinctly remember a conversation with my mom in our blue Chevy van one night… she expressed some disgust for a man who had just totally cheated my dad in business… I think my dad has been tangled in a few similar situations… because he is good… never expects anything but the same from everyone… but I remember telling my mom that we shouldn’t be angry at the man… I told her that we are all God's children… I think I was a 6th grader at the time… she just quietly listened… don’t know what she thought… but I really did try to like/love everyone... when I was a freshman in high school I told my younger sister that the coolest people are the people who are genuinely kind to everyone…

When I was 15 I decided I didn’t have to like everyone… I thought it was liberating… I thought maybe the world isn’t all that pure… my high school boy friend and I glared at perky people… within my circle I still trusted in human goodness… the negativity was strictly reserved for strangers… in fact I thought that only my depressed grungy friends were real… everyone else was faking it…everyone else was living in a world of pretend…

I am really glad that isn’t the now… but now… I do find myself sizing strangers up… comparing… judging… not always liking everyone… often…

I wish I had never come to that liberating conclusion at age 15… but I think once I relearn the 6th grade innocence I will actually be in a better place… I think that is how it works right… the evolution of the soul…

I keep reading this section of this book…borrowed to me… not on purpose… I forget to mark my place and end up re-reading the same section… probably for a reason… but… it talks about old age and life…

Old age is a time of second innocence. There is the first innocence when we are children; but that innocence comes later in your life, when you have lived deeply. You know the bleakness of life, you know its incredible capacity to disappoint and sometimes destroy. Yet notwithstanding that realistic recognition of life’s negative potential, you still maintain an outlook that is wholesome and hopeful and bright. That is a kind of second innocence. It is lovely to meet an old person whose face is deeply lined, a face that has been deeply inhabited, to look in the eyes and find light there. That light is innocent; it is not inexperienced but rather is innocent in its trust in the good and the true and the beautiful. Such a gaze from an old face is a kind of blessing. You feel good and wholesome in that kind of company. (O’Donohue, John. Anam Cara. 1997. P185.)

So… my mantra… we are all in this together… if others can shine in my presence it is a gift to me and the them… just as there is a lot going on in this (my) little soul… there is much happening in the souls of those around me… if I allow it to be…there is meaning to be found everywhere… I have been really blessed and I owe it to God and everyone else to live these blessings… to live… to be alive…

I am trying… to understand it all… still.

clap your hands and say yeah!

i get paid tomorrow. spent my last $2 on a lunch time frosty...

clap! clap! yeah! yeah!

free...

yeah!

my little green blanket is waiting for me... i am waiting for them... soon... soon... soon...

yeah!

many many many of us will be moving... singing... dancing... sweating... smiling...

yeah!

movies

The Devil Came on Horsebackstopped in for a minute at the library to buy some time... waiting for a meet up call from friends ... and this movie was playing... depressing? yes. thought provoking? yes. my conclusion? live...

It served as an incredible reminder that we live in a world filled with trauma... while watching I questioned helplessly... what can i do?... the answer is to live... I am sure when people are huddled together in refugee camps wondering if they will live into the next day or week or year... they dream about returning to peaceful village life... they probably think about how they would live that life differently... how they would be more this or more that... and less this and that...

after effects: i wanted to go home and throw away all of the extra crap that i have and don't need... when pointlessly 'hanging out' with people... found myself totally turned off by the superficial... found myself wanting the real and meaningful... speaking of the real and meaningful... another movie i saw this week...

Pineapple Express
pretty much the opposite end of the spectrum... thought provoking? no... laughable? yes!... inappropriate? totally... i was glad that the movie didn't fail to mention what losers the pot-heads were... it did kind of glorify pot-head looser life... although most pot-heads will never catch themselves caught up in a drug war...

after effects: everyone outside the theater felt and kind of acted stoned... many probably were... but even those of us who were not... didn't really make me want to save the world... but it did make me want to stop at 7-11 for a slurpie and some corn-nuts...

Mongol
While everyone else watched the opening ceremonies of the Olympics in China I watched the rising of Mongolia's most powerful Khan... I closed my eyes more than a few times because I don't like blood... I even winced as two future khan children became blood brothers... but over all I recommend this movie.... showing at the Broadway.

after effects: I came home and started looking up English Teaching jobs in Asia...here and here

i know, i know... this is totally ridiculous

so... i am a taurus
scorpio
virgo combination...

if you are down for it... i want to know your sun, moon, and rising sun signs....

i just figured mine out... tell me the time of day you were born and they day... including year... and i will look it up online for you...

p.s. i am not attached to the whole zodiac thing at all... but secretly i kind of am... just a little

these are mine...
sun sign: taurus
moon sign: scorpio
rising sun sign: virgo

my theory: we are not just dropped on the earth... so why wouldnt everything and everyone be connected to the cosmos... p.s. this does not mean i advocate mapping out your life according to the stars... why waste time guessing with a mystic... it is just fun...

according to this website: my sun/moon sign combination = essentially i have all of the fiery passion of a scorpio combined with the strength of the bull... not always the greatest combination... but at least i have instantaneous charm and am attractive to the opposite sex...

so... um...

so... i have been feeling very albert lately. except my bike has no basket... and no matter how i try marky mark refuses to go on bike rides with me...

but the black bag is real... in a way... its not black... or a bag... but... something like that
discovering the truth... or... hearing it from other people is not always easy...
but supposedly all of this will eventually bring me to a place of greater peace...
but for today... for now...
eish...