roam if you want to... roam around the world...

(may 2005) my little cute english speaking chinese students... by the time i was done with them they knew what it was to roam around the world... their understanding is it is something like being carried through the air by their american teacher...they also knew how to take it from hip to hip... they even knew what a universe was... and they also learned how to play a mean air guitar...

i am actually pretty proud of that little song and dance... i came up with it on the fly... and the kids couldn't get enough of shaking it with the b-52s...


too bad roam isn't an option at taiwanese karaoke bars...

this one is at the top of deer mountain in ketchikan, alaska

alaska is a oh so pretty.

another video

a very uncomfortable and awesome 2 day boat ride down the mekong river... this is another july 2005-er



sleeping soundly.

videos

so i have been going through some old vidoes... have a look if you want.

this july 2005 in laos... every morning the monks walk up and down the street gathering food... they do not beg, and can only take what is given them... funny thing is... as soon as i turned on the camera i could feel that the entire experience was jaded... exploited...i think the monks could feel it too... what in the beginning felt really right... a beautiful exchange between me and the monks... turned into a photo opportunity... lame i know... but i sill really like this video.

have fun spending life in prison

what is that supposed to mean???

just wondering... does anyone know? someone said it to me on the way to work today... as i passed him on the street he said, "have fun spending life in prison..."

ya... i dont get it.

i love him!

last year i was with my friend and she told me she preys for President Hinckley… in these prayers she prayed that God would comfort President Hinckley in his loneliness… i was really impressed with her awareness of him… i am doing good to pray for the people in my immediate life… but tonight when i found out he passed away… i thought about sis. V’s humble actions and also that i am happy for him… happy that he doesn’t have to experience that separation from his love anymore… happy that he has lived such a full life… what a man… what a man!

i love being alive right now… all of the experiences it involves… growth... i love the good and the bad… every thing learned here and there… and i have no desire to leave for a long long time… and… i am happy for him that he has moved on… i don’t feel that way now, and i look forward to the time when i am at the end of this existence and i can walk away from life feeling complete… finished…

i also thought about a time when i was a punk kid at age 17. my laurel advisor really wanted my friend and i to go to a regional conference in houston. i hadn’t been totally active for a little while… we went and actually snuck into the front area… the roped off reserved section… the seating that is set aside for local important peoples… i lied to the usher to get in…

President Monson was speaking at this conference…. i don’t remember anything from what was said – but when everyone was up and leaving i looked at President Monson and he caught my gaze and just looked at me for a long time… he was looking into my soul…we kept looking at each other… i started crying… the kind of crying where snot and tears are everywhere… totally embarrassing… i think my sleeve was a snotty mess… and he kept looking at me with so much compassion…

i love him.

he totally has my support…

(assuming he is the next prophet)

i am excited to see him (or whoever) take on this responsibility… and to become better because of it…

linda's little mansion of isolation

hi.

i feel a lot of love for the beautiful women being reflected...

gratitude...

for more... the rest of the story...

Nerakoon (The Betrayal)

it is the immigration story of a Laotian family. their father helped the US military during the Vietnam War. i love this story. i don’t know why i love this story. not just this story but the thousands and thousands of stories like it…

the family immigrates to the United States expecting a heroes welcome… or at least that america will take care of them... what do they get… nothing… and the rest of the story is about survival, disappointment and… um…

so... about this deep connection i have to place…

i have never been a flag flying patriotic citizen… i was not that into school spirit in high school either… i was happy to leave high school… and when i first left this country to be somewhere else i was pretty happy too… but after 18 months in a foreign country i was excited to come home… in South Africa i still remember my friend Amalese (sp?)… he was desperately trying to immigrate to the US or Canada… he was a refugee from the Congo… he said he walked out of his country… he ran… without shoes… he ran because he didn’t want to be forced into the rebel army… i didn’t understand what was happening at that time… the history that was being made… but i did understand and i could feel he and his friends were without a home… they had a place to stay but no place that really belonged to them…

after being absent for so many months i returned to this place (america)… i drove for three days through this country's beautiful deserts…spaces that rise to touch the sky… places that call me to share this same sky… this shared sky… it is my homes… this place i trust… i trust that i can leave and she will wait for me while i am gone…

(if you plan on seeing the film stop reading now)

the co-director Thavisouk Phrasavath and director Ellen Kuras answered questions after the film… Thavis’ father was taken as an enemy before the family escaped to Thailand where they were refugees. Thavis’ father escaped his work camp… for 13 years he was alone in Thailand… he couldn’t contact his family in Laos… so he started a new life… new family… they eventually immigrated to the U.S. as well… the father finally found his family… they reunited… then after a week father tells the family he is leaving again… this time to be with his new family… abandonment…

a man in the audience asked about this… asked about Thavis’ loyalty… i was totally impressed with the way that he answered… he said he will always remain loyal to his father in this life because his father gave him life… i felt from him such a strong sense of love and respect… a love for his life… and love for family connection… many people who have experienced what Thavis experienced allow life to make them bitter… but he was so filled with light… it was too much… as in I was right in front of him while he was speaking and i started to cry when he explained that no matter what he will always remain loyal…

gratitude, forgiveness, love… these things take the most painful contorted experiences and make men and women of light…

awesome…

and i am still trying to figure it out.

so.... i want to go to iceland

i am open to anyones suggestions on the best way to get there and how to find employment once i am there...

i have been checking out ticket prices and from boston to iceland one way is less than $300...

hmmm.

linguists... this is what i am seeing tomorrow... i am looking forward to it... i will edit this post after i see it... this is its introduction as it appears in the festival directory...

Like modern-day explorers, the two academics featured in The Linguists travel to forgotten places around the globe to unearth rare treasures—in this case, endangered languages. On a shoestring budget, professors David Harrison and Gregory Anderson navigate difficult terrain, searching for speakers of these forgotten and mostly hidden languages. While more than 7,000 different languages are currently spoken around the world, many are rapidly disappearing. Language diversity is shrinking as colonialism and economic unrest destroy traditional tribal tongues. When young people abandon their ancestral language, the passive suppression of their culture begins, and soon those languages will cease to exist.

Joining a traditional ceremony in a remote village in India, observing a Kallawaya healing ritual in Bolivia, and completing an arduous journey into Siberia is all part and parcel of heeding the urgent call. The word connoisseurs are well suited for the monumental task of researching and documenting native tongues; they speak 25 languages between them. These humble ethnographers are in a race against time to preserve the increasingly rare words, which are intricately linked to the vanishing traditions and heritage of Indigenous populations. Well-paced and laced with humor, The Linguists serves as an insightful, contemporary adventure film with a strong emphasis on cultural history.

blacked eyed b%*$

so i started working as a case manager at the main homeless shelter in slc a few months ago... along with this new job i have developed a new perspective of people who are really at the bottom and have no idea how to get up... i have learned so much about the state of mind of someone living in poverty... i have learned about the social advantage i have simply for being born middle class... lots of people think and outwardly express... just get a job...

true there may be some people who are capable of working and choose not to work, but there are so many people that are doing good to wake up in the morning and get food in their bellies...

so... i have a bleeding heart... i see homeless people as human beings... i love them... and the situation i am about to share doesn't change that... but it was pretty funny...

so... me... tanya... lover of all mankind... sees what looks like a homeless man at the tracks station... our paths cross... i am leaving the train platform and he is getting on... i smile... i like him in a very human sort of way...he mumbles something about a black eye b%$&... okay... i think... he's crazy... i work with a lot of crazies... whatever... at this point i am in the parking lot walking towards the bus and i realize he is shouting... he is shouting at me... screaming BLACK EYED B$&#, BLACK EYED B$#^&... THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE!!!! still not really believing he is talking to me... but just in case he is i send a bird his way... but you see... i didn't really feel it... even tho he was threatening to beat me up... i still thought of him as human... and one that i liked... its a nice feeling...

so this is the movie i meant to see

i hope i can manage to sneak in to a viewing of this one since i missed it on accident tonight...

i saw tom hanks

sundance... i have never been to a sundance film during the festival... i have seen many many sundance films... this year i was able to purchase about 20 tickets... the films that have caught my attention are all documentaries dealing with international issues... i was excited to see triage tonight. it only had one ticket available so i went by myself... the problem is i went to the wrong theater... lame... it turned out i actually went to the premier for the great buck howard... oops

i was entertained yes, but i will forget the movie in a week... i cant be too disappointed... tom hanks and governor huntsman gave speeches before the film... the cast all came out on stage and we clapped for them... i did run into a few friends... i got a text from a friend at the begining... guess what, i managed to score tickets for the tom hanks premier... i responded me too... and then i sent him a phone photo of tom hanks... with the bright lights on him he looked like a beam of light... tom hanks is funny... he pulled to podium off the stage to give audiance members in "the cheap seats" a better view...

so... tonight i started out thinking i was going to a documentary alone... which well... because of my current mood made me a little sad... but i ended up at a movie premier with friends... and it doesn't end there... but i will put that in a separate post...

it was the premier i think... it was the film to start off the festival... utah's govoner spoke and then tom hanks... the cast came out on stage... cool... i guess... i
This is a documentary worth going to alone. There was only one ticket available when I purchased it. I thought... it will be fine... I will just stop by for the show after work... The theater is only a block from the shelter. It didnt happen. I went into the wrong theater.
the great buck howard...so it was a mistake... i didnt mean to do it... mistakes happen.

Okay, so I mentioned this book already. Here is a quote from the book that introduces the wounded feminine function. I hope it doesn’t ruin the rest of the book for anyone, but I love this quote.

“This dilemma can be described as the contrast between the mother complex and the mother archetype. The mother complex is that regressive part of our psychology that wants to go back to an earlier level of adaptation and be cared for by a mother who gives all and requires no effort from one. The mother complex is the art of getting something for nothing by a regression of consciousness. The mother archetype is the bounty of nature, which gives us our life and all that we need for that life and which is anyone’s legacy by the fact of being alive. The mother archetype is the art of living peaceably with the bounty of nature, which is pure gift and lies within the ecology of the natural order” (Johnson, Robert A: 61).

It totally validates something I had to learn this summer. It wasn’t the easiest thing for me to learn. This lesson included taking a step back and thinking about one of the false beliefs that I learned growing up.

Hugh Nibley gave a talk titled Work We Must, But the Lunch is Free. Prior to reading this talk I believed the lie that meeting my wants and needs was and would continue to be a struggle. I did struggle financially before finding a job in SLC last May. Up until that point I had never been so stressed in my entire life. I literally had no idea how I was going to pay rent.

I hope everyone will read Nibley's talk when they get a minute. It really is brilliant. Because I want to back up my next few thoughts, here is an excerpt from the talk.

The Two Employers
But what about those goodies that actually descend from the sky, according to the New Astronomy? They take us back to our Latter-day Saint creation story in which all the earth's food supply is indeed brought from above, as seeds of all kinds are carried down and planted in a special program of preparing the earth for its great calling. "Adam, we have created for you this earth, and have placed in it everything you could possibly need–all finished and ready for use. Help yourself–of every tree thou mayest freely eat." Was Adam idle and bored, his character undermined by such easy living? Hardly! He went happily about his work of taking good care of the place; he enjoyed frequent conversation with angels and in the cool of the evening strolls with the Lord himself–what a vast expansion of mind and spirit that evokes! And to spend one's days with a woman of infinite understanding, whom age could not wither nor custom stale, was enough to fill the days with endless delight. When Adam left the garden, he went right on with his work of cultivating the earth, himself, and his numerous posterity, engaging in the three activities which are recommended as the proper way of life to all who work in the vineyard: "Behold, I say unto you that you shall let your time be devoted to [1] the studying of the scriptures, and [2] to preaching, and to confirming the church, ... and [3] to performing your labors on the land" (D&C 26:1). Study, the work of the kingdom, and the cultivating of the soil were Adam's calling for almost a millennium–and he never got bored. Though no longer in Paradise, he enjoyed the visitation and instruction of heavenly visitors, who undertook to teach him how he was to return again to his preexistent splendor with enhanced qualifications and credentials for what lay ahead. To merit such promotion, he was to be tried and tested while he was here, and for that express purpose Adam had to come to an understanding with another type of visitor, a person of enormous ambition and cunning, who was purposely turned loose in the place to put Adam and Eve to the test. What he tempts them with is lunch. We can put the situation in terms of two employers who are competing for the services of the man Adam and his posterity, who are intentionally placed in the middle between them: on the one hand, "the devil ... inviteth and enticeth ... continually" to work for him, while on the other, "God inviteth and enticeth ... continually" to work for him (Moroni 7:12–13).

The first employer offers us lunch, and since lunch is something everybody must have, he is in a powerful position to bargain. He explains that this glorious earth is his private estate, that it all belongs to him to the ends thereof; in particular he owns the mineral rights and the media of exchange, by controlling which he enjoys the willing cooperation of the military, ecclesiastical, and political establishments, and rules with magnificent uproar. He keeps everything under tight control, though, for all the blood and horror–nobody makes any trouble in his world from the rivers to the ends thereof. Well can he ask Adam, "What is it you want?" for he claims to be the God of this World, and the Lord himself grants him the title of Prince of this World. All who are not working for him on his estate he charges with trespassing, including even heavenly messengers, whom he accuses of spying out his vast property with an eye to taking over the whole of it. But he is willing to make a deal if they have money. To have merely sufficient for your needs, however, is not what he has in mind–that would be the equivalent of the free lunch, lamely ignoring the endless possibilities for acquiring power and gain that the place offers; this developer has a vision of unlimited sweep and power?"You can have anything in this world for money!" Beginning, of course, with lunch. Because money is the only thing that will get you lunch–and since everybody must have lunch, that is the secret of his control.

This almost mystical identity of money with lunch we see in the reports of Brigham Young, Heber C. Kimball, and others of their missions in England, where people were literally starving to death in the streets, while many in the city were living in the greatest opulence. The trouble was that the poor people had to starve because they could get no money, and they could get no money because the factories were closed, and the factories were closed because of an unusually severe winter–an act of God. So there was plainly nothing to be done and no one to blame–one does not oppose the Laws of Nature and of God: There is no free lunch. Brother Kimball tells how his family in this fair land lived for weeks on boiled milkweed; they had worked very hard, but still there was no lunch for them, because the money they had saved up by their diligent toil was suddenly worthless–it is money alone that gets you lunch, mere work is not enough. Your prospective employer explains how that is: The money part is necessary to keep things under control. For the Kimballs, lunch was life itself, the bottom line of any economy. What would happen, then, if lunch was always provided free for them? Would they not lose their most immediate incentive to work–the need for lunch–money? And since money, as they tell you in Economics 101, is "the power to command goods and services," who would ever do any work again? How can you command somebody to work for you if he doesn't need your lunch? That, the shrewd employer explains, is why he must never cease reminding one and all in his domain that there is no free lunch. It is that great teaching which keeps his establishment going. "All I have to do to bring my people into line," he says, "is to ask them: 'If you leave my employ, what will become of you?' That scares the daylights out of them; from the man on the dreary assembly line to the chairman of the board; they are all scared stiff. And so I get things done."

So let us go across the road for an interview with the Other Employer. To our surprise, he answers our first question with an emphatic: "Forget about lunch! Don't even give it a thought!" "Take no thought of what ye shall eat or what ye shall drink or wherewith ye shall be clothed!" "But what will become of me then?" you ask. Not to worry, "We will preach the gospel to you, and then you will find out that lunch should be the least of your concerns." Let Brigham Young explain the situation.

We have been permitted to come here to go to school, to acquire certain knowledge and take a number of tests to prepare us for greater things hereafter. This whole life, in fact, is "a state of probation" (2 Nephi 2:21). While we are at school our generous patron has provided us with all the necessities of living which we will need to carry us through. Imagine then that at the end of the first school year your kind benefactor pays the school a visit. He meets you and asks you how you are doing. "Oh," you say, "I am doing very well, thanks to your bounty." "Are you studying a lot?" "Yes, I am making good progress." "What subjects are you studying?" "Oh, I am studying courses in how to get more lunch." "You study that? All the time?" "Yes. I thought of studying some other subjects. Indeed I would love to study them–some of them are so fascinating!–but after all it's the bread–and–butter courses that count. This is the real world, you know. There is no free lunch." "But my dear boy, I'm providing you with that right now." "Yes, for the time being, and I am grateful–but my purpose in life is to get more and better lunches; I want to go right to the top–the executive suite, the Marriott lunch." "But that is not the work I wanted you to do here," says the patron. "The question in our minds ought to be," says Brigham Young, "what will advance the general interests ... and increase intelligence in the minds of the people[?] To do this should be our constant study in preference to how shall we secure that farm or that garden [i.e., where the lunch comes from!]. . . . We cannot worship our God in public meeting or kneel down to pray in our families without the images of earthly possessions rising up in our minds to distract them and make our worship and our prayers unprofitable." Lunch can easily become the one thing the whole office looks forward to all morning: a distraction, a decoy–like sex, it is a passing need that can only too easily become an engrossing obsession. Brigham says, "It is a folly for a man to love? Any other kind of property and possessions. One that places his affections upon such things does not understand that they are made for the comfort of the creature, and not for his adoration. They are made to sustain and preserve the body while procuring the knowledge and wisdom that pertain to God and his kingdom [the school motif], in order that we may preserve ourselves, and live forever in his presence."

And about work? I once had a university fellowship for which I had to agree not to accept any gainful employment for the period of a year–all living necessities were supplied: I was actually forbidden to work for lunch. Was it free lunch? I never worked so hard in my life–but I never gave lunch a thought. I wasn't supposed to. I was eating only so that I could do my work; I was not working only so that I could eat. And that is what the Lord asks us: to forget about lunch, and do his work, and the lunch will be taken care of.

I have a good friend who I met in Cedar City who helped me through this small stretch of stress. She was totally living a life in tune with the principles discussed in Nibley's talk. This friend had spent an extra month or so in Cedar City living rent-free. She tried to pay rent but was told, 'no, keep the money. You can use it to help someone who might need it'. When my friend realized my situation she sent the extra my way. I remember her saying, ‘I don’t need that much. Pay me back when you can.” I was able to pay her back at the end of summer when I had the means and when she actually really needed it.

Not only will I always remember this persons kindness, but I have a real life example and belief in the bounty of nature... that the natural world (or he who created it) is to be trusted... there is no reason to fear… he will always come through.

The fear that people have... a fear that causes people to horde... to work jobs they hate... comes from the false belief that nature will not provide... If anyone believes that God wants us to have joy, and that he wants us to fulfill the measure of our creation, they should also believe that this includes the time spent sweating by the brow, which is 60%-75% of our lives.

This summer I volunteered with the IRC developing a new youth program with refugees. Most of my family did not understand why I would work for free. They continually suggested other avenues to fulfill my internship requirement that would include a paycheck. I am so glad I did not listen.

Before I moved to SLC I decided that in order to make it financially working part-time I needed to make X amount an hour. I took that information to my maker and felt like it was going to work out. I did have a financial crisis before finding a job, as mentioned above, but the job that I found met my needed requirements.

UTA created a part-time driver position. The union actually really fought it thinking that UTA would replace full time drivers with cheaper non-insured part-time drivers... I was the first ever part-time UTA driver. I was making enough money to survive and was able to volunteer with the IRC the rest of the time.

Contrary to the beliefs passed down to me from my parents, I was able to enjoy my labor and trust that everything else would work out. It is possible to live your dreams. It is also good to be in a position to help others when they are in a pinch and putting trust in true principles.

Saturday morning... and Jonah - the one that got swallowed by the whale

So miracles…

Depending on where a person believes they come from… I say God…

So, miracles are only big or small in our minds… the creator of miracles – God – says a miracle is a miracle – no matter how big or how small…

It is mentioned in the secret and I was just reading the same thing in johah… p.s. I really like the bible…

this is what happens after Jonah is spit out by the whale and he goes to the wicked city and tells them they are all going to be destroyed... they listen and repent... God says he will forgive them.

From what I can tell Jonah either doesn’t understand, or as the chapter heading says, he is “displeased with the Lord for his mercy upon the people – The Lord rebukes him.” The way the Lord teaches … the more that I make mistakes and feel him teaching me… the more loving I realize he is… merciful, accepting, understanding and patient…

So why does Jonah think it is better for him to die than it is for him to live… (vs 3) Jonah goes outside of the city to see what will become of it… The Lord has forgiven the people because they repented – but Jonah still expects the city to be destroyed… am I totally off on this??? In the meantime the Lord makes a gourd or bean plant to shade Jonah’s head from the sun…. So the Lord has forgiven a city – Jonah isn’t willing to accept this – goes out to watch the city be destroyed – because they deserve it of course – and in the meantime the Lord creates a plant to cover him from the sun… and Jonah is grateful for the covering – but from what I can tell is still expecting the city to be destroyed… is he unwilling to allow the city to be forgiven – does he get secret pleasure in the hopes that they deserve to be destroyed…

But then the next morning the gourd is taken away and it is so hot that Jonah wishes he were dead…

Okay… so I think Jonah expects the people to be destroyed because he sees that they are not really sorry… they have just repented out of fear… interesting… (vs 11) should not I spare Nineveh (the city)… wherein are more than six-score thousand persons that cannot discern between their right hand and their left hand (natural man not spiritually reborn) … So is God saying he knows they are not spiritually reborn – but what they are giving is enough to spare them for now… he is showing mercy… Did Jonah think again he knew more than God? Or I guess it was just his naturalness that didn’t understand God’s mercy…

hmmm...

Sigur Rós - Starálfur

About the feminine and the masculine

First of all I love both sides of this. I really love men. I don’t love them for any selfish reason, but because they are who they are and they are different from me. I haven’t always had the best experiences with them exhibit A, but I don’t blame that on their sex. I recognize that like attracts like – and so the experiences that I am having are my own and are happening for a reason… there…. Um…

My point.

I just started reading this book called the fisher king & the handless maiden… it is a short book but pretty in depth… as in if I just skim a few sentences here and there I miss something… I will go into more detail about how it approaches the wound of the masculine and the feminine in our culture… but for now… this insight...

It talks about how in western culture we have sacrificed the heart for the head… it says that you can see it in our language… the Eskimos have hundreds of words for snow… if anyone would know snow the natives of Alaska would…

“Sanskrit has ninety-six words for love; ancient Persian has eighty, Greek three, and English one. This is indicative of the poverty of awareness or emphasis that we give to that tremendously important realm of feeling… It is always the inferior function whether in an individual or a culture that suffers this poverty. One’s greatest treasures are won by the superior function but always at the cost of the inferior function” (Johnson, Robert A: 6&7).

Hmmm…

I am still wrapping my head around this… and maybe I need to make more room for my heart…

As I was growing up, the thinking function was valued over the feeling function… I have both… of course, my thinking is very connected to matters of intuition, feelings, human interaction… but the way I approach it, because of the culture and environment I was raised, it is all so head heavy… as in… I think everything to death… even now… as in right now… .ugh…

So… any thoughts??? Or feelings for that matter… on how I can invite both my head and my heart to meet somewhere in the middle...

temple square

this is my former neighbor chris, his wife and i walking around temple square on a very cold dark night. (the photo was taken by john)

Soldiers Hallow... what is this? i never capitolize...

happy new year!!! went with the potters to soldier's hallow. lucky me!!!
my favorite part is being dragged up the hill protected by my life size chunk of color... it is like a candy factory... i have never been in a candy factory, but i have seen willy wonka...
so this is the process... while individual color chunks are dragged up the hill one by one... huge masses lump together and flow down... waving arms in the air and screaming... down down down... hoping to make it to the bottom... the larger the group the more impressive to me.
the transformation happens at the top... once we, the individual color chunks are cut from the mother cord... it is all we can do to find each other... get all tangled up and then return from whence we came... it is rather beautiful...

p.s. for the love... and for your own protection... if you do take part in this factory like experience... do not wear loose clothing, pony tails, or a scarf... thank you. i am finished

emily and me... and check out all of the cool colors behind us...

1. 
   

so this is emily upside down...she kind of looks like she is flying

vision board 2008