and this is my halloween costume... i have been her before... she is my naked lady lamp... because she is naked under the material that clothes her... i have had her for over ten years...
i once told my friend chris after he said he liked the lamp... - she's naked under those clothes... he said sarcastically... in kind of a high pitch for him... wooo.... which made me laugh... i still laugh when i think about it...
i am not sure...but for some reason when i heard this song preformed by Ray Lamontagne tonight i felt the same way.
she lifts her skirt up to her knees, walks through the corn-rows with her bare feet, laughing. i never learned to count my blessings, i choose instead to dwell in my disasters. i walk on down a hill, through grass, grown tall and brown and still its hard somehow to let go of my pain. on past the busted back of that old and rusted cadillac that sinks into this field, collecting rain. will i always feel this way? so empty, so estranged
and of these cut- throat busted sunsets, these cold and damp white mornings i have grown weary. if though my cracked and dusted dime-store lips i spoke these words out loud would no one hear me? lay your blouse across the chair, let fall the flowers from from your hair and kiss me with that country mouth, so plain. outside, the rain is tapping on the leaves, to me it sounds like they're applauding us the the quiet love we made. will i always feel this way? so empty, so estranged
well i looked my demons in the eyes, laid bare my chest, said do your best, destroy me. you see, i've been to hell and back so many times, i must admit you kind of bore me. there's a lot of things that can kill a man, there's a lot of ways to die, listen, some already did that walked beside me. there's alot of things i don't understand, why so many people lie. its the hurt i have inside that fuels the fire inside me. will i always feel this way? so empty, so estranged
without permission i stole this photo from rebecca's blog... rebecca... if you are mad tell me and i will take it down...
so... i finally met up with rebecca and her baby ezra... she is so happy... it is refreshing and beautiful... her happiness is real even though for some her life right now is less then ideal... i asked her how?... she talked about experiences that were hard... but these experiences taught her to let go of expectations... to be more accepting... she said that she has had to learn that everything is ok and will continue to be ok... she talked about how events don't happen to you, but that they are experiences that pass through you... i hope she doesn't mind me exploiting her wisdom... but i have been thinking about it all day... i have heard all of these ideas before... but it is a completely new experience to actually see and experience the brightness that has occurred... the total transformation in a friend i have not seen in five years... it was good medicine...
refreshing...
i have had some really incredible friends over the years and she is defiantly one of them... i am completely impressed... inspired... in awe.
honestly... i keep encountering the best that this world has to offer...
a week ago i was walking with a friend... and i said... you know... i just really want a boy to take me to bodyworlds... she said... i love that that is your idea of the ideal date...
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i recently emailed my friend rebecca... we haven't had contact for 5 years... a mutual friend suggested we reconnect... a few days later i got an email from her that said she would be in town this week... yeah!... i emailed her back with my phone number
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i got an text message early this week that said... hey i will be in town until sunday, do you want to get together??... yes, of course!!!! we texted several time throughout the week to arrange plans... i suggested we go to the bodyworlds exhibit at the Leonardo
i stopped by the leonardo after work today to pick up tickets... i called rebecca while standing at the cash register to ask her what time she wanted to go... a guy answered the phone... i thought it was her husband... this is the conversation
guy: hello me: ? is rebecca there?... (this must be her husband) guy: do you want to talk to rebecca?... because i think you dialed the wrong number?... me: (looking at my phone... i didn't dial wrong) who is this? guy: this is todd me: this is god? (thinking rebecca's husband was messing with me) guy: todd! me: (confused... slowing putting the pieces together... covering my tracks)... oh hi todd... do you want me to pick up tickets for 5:00 or 5:30 guy/todd: 5:30 should work me: kay. see you in a little bit...
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i went to the exhibit with todd... todd is a boy... i got my before mentioned wish
the exhibit was great... the body is incredible... i liked that some of the bodies still had their belly buttons... and i was totally fascinated with the fetus section... a few of the little baby bodies had hair... i and you were once only a growing lentil... and at our first gasp for air only a few pounds... and all of our energy and approach and excitement/fear for life... we had at that time... how did great big us's squeeze into little tiny zygotes? hmmm...
there were a few cross section cuts of different parts of the body... i really liked those... i told todd that if i were in the body show they would probably make me a cross section cut and not a ballerina... he said... if i donate my body i will insist that i be displayed holding a car over my head... i laughed...
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here are a few bodyworld show blogs that i have come across... if you want to know more about the show go here and here or here.
for family and friends in houston make sure you go here... bodyworlds2 will be in houston - until february 2009.
just found out i was tagged... by ram... and now i am playing...
five things people that know me don't always know about me...
1. i usually tell people this - so some people probably have heard the story... when i was 19 my best friend and her boyfriend were in a biker club... i used to hang out with them and the other club members... the south west san jacinto high-rollers... they called me red... used to ask me, "why you don't talk so much red?"... i usually responded with silence...my photo was taken at a fundraiser and i guess it was in one of their national newsletters... i never saw the photo... went with them to a ralley/protest in austin ... i rode in the truck with suzi and zack and we were followed by like 20 harleys... it was weird that it was a part of my life back then... and even weirder to look back on now... i am very un-biker now and was back then too.
2. i tell people this one too...in grade school i discovered that swingset noise echos if you put your ear up to the metal part of the swing set... it is also a really soothing sound....
3. i love the rhythm of speech... the sound of voices... it is weird to me when someones voice doesn't change... as in... when they should be relaxed the speak the same as if they are giving a speech... i think you can tell a lot about a person by the way sound comes out of their mouth
4. i am a terrible speller and i am pretty embarrassed about it... so if you are mean point it out...
when i am surround by huge mounds of rocks i wonder how long the rock that i am next to has existed... i am no geologist... so i am in awe of rock... in the same way that primitive people were in awe of the fertility of the earth... the way they prayed to the gods for plenty... i feel the warmth of the sun collected and held by rock... i sometimes feel or imagine its story... the chaos and pressure that formed it... and the stillness that the chaos left behind... i like thinking of myself as grounded and solid... i beg my maker to help me obey the way the clay/rocks obey...
rocks...hmmm... these kisses... although they were outwardly a joke... the rock and i know... it meant something. :)
p.s. i stole this photos from this blog... go there... see more... your need for beauty will thank you...
walking south on 5th east... in a moment my eyes caught sight of an autum leaf spiraling and spinning its way to the pavement... my eyes... mesmerized and apprieciating the brief halt...
the stop
in all empty unnecessary thought chatter... silence...pause... i love those moments... i think it has been a while since i have had one... right before the leaf hit the ground my attention focused on a decapitated bird... i scream/gasped... stepped over the dead bird and kept walking... i have never seen a decapitated bird... i have never almost stepped on a dead bird...
walked to slow train...no more mt.goat tickets... guess i will have to buy at the door... walked to one world for a bit of soup and something vegetable like...
ran into an old friend/acquaintance... we used to work together with angry/bad teens in the west desert... i asked... how are things?... he said really bad... without elaborating... so i wanted more... he sat with me for food... this friend is good... he has a family... he has been working for a grass roots type organization for the past few years... for him this organization has been something that he has been able to believe in... he has loved being a part of the mission... he expressed to me his current sadness because the leadership of the organization does not trust workers... that day the staff of an entire shift exited the business/organization because of it... an entire shift quit at once...left... locked the doors behind them... i listened... he is still employed because today was his day off... but now he is in a place... somewhere in the middle... if the organization is worth sticking with he will... he has loved the organization... it is a vision he has believed in... he has a family... but the leadership is breaking his heart... we are only acquaintances... but i could feel his sadness even when he laughed as he expressed it... he asked if i was still working at the shelter -- i am... he mentioned something like... how... people like us are working for the kingdom... i told him sometimes i feel tired... sometimes i want to work for money and do nothing... but i remembered and mentioned that i never last long in those nothing jobs...
i walked home from sitting with him... thought about working for the kingdom... working for the kingdom... it is pretty revolutionary... to be working for the kingdom... i am proud of my acquaintance for believing in a better world and living with passion and compassion... for working for the kingdom...
thy kingdom come... thy will be done
p.s. if you happen to think about it... say a little prayer for my friend... most of us don't and wont live with the same kind of focused purpose... so... ya... since we wont and don't... we might as well do what we can for those who do... he and those around him could really use it right now.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
welcome to texas... a place where they are proud to be the home of george w. a place where most people really believe the media is too hard on him... mmmm... this is probably the only place where i will refer to the people of texas as they instead of we...
the drive
this lady in my-t-burger explained to me that she has lived in memphis, texas all her life. she said, "its a good town. the football team won state once... and we have a good team this year". i am not sure when they won state... i think it would be really awesome if it was in 1992 or 1986...
i know what you are probably thinking... and you are wrong... this is not a photo of a painting of poop. it is a cyclone... as in the memphis cyclones... their football team once won state...
after the 28 hour drive i was a bit sleepy. these photos are from sunday. chalice's baby gavin was blessed, chalice spoke, my brother jacob sang and gave a talk... he just got home from serving a mission... i was terrified when i realized jacob would be singing... but he did really good... that afternoon we celebrated a few birthdays... and i slept... when i went upstairs to play with my neices i ended up crashing... and they took a few photos...
lily playing with my feet.
happy 30th birthday mandy and i am not sure which birthday this is for chalice... 35?
my sister mandy, jacob's friend tiffany and i on a sunday drive in mom's new car... couldn't find the center seat-belt so mandy and i shared in order to keep tiff safe... mom has a foot of lead... stopping and going without warning... it is always fun to do stuff with my sisters when i am home... they get really excited to leave their kids with the husbands...
raymond and reice... reice is 4
cute lily and rian
sleeping when i should have been playing
ray and reice and below me and jessie
Last time I was in Houston my friend Travis and I tried to find the orange show... we never found it... back in 2005 we didn't have google maps access on our cell. In fact back then I don't think Travis and I even had cell phones...
But Ram and I managed to find it last night... The three year wait was worth it...it is off of telephone road... i think someone like steve earl or robert earl king sings a song that mentions telephone road... about the orange show... the orange show is everything i had hoped it would be... maybe in another three years i will actually make it inside...
next to the orange show is an unusual trailer... someones house i am assuming... ram was brave enough to get up close and take a photo... i fully expected some dude to come out drunk in his underwear aiming a shot gun at us... this never happened... i am glad because i didnt want it to happen...
my sister ginger and me family photo in front of grandma betty's house... either 1980 or 1981 Mandy's 5th birthday... We ate so much candy that day... another picture of me and ginger Disneyland 1995
it has been 1:43 for 3.5 hours now... I just realized it stopped like an hour ago... I thought that the 1 o'clock hour was feeling extra long today...
speaking of time... only another week and half before mercury is out of its retrograde state... i have no idea what that means... but i do know we are all supposed to be patient with ourselves and each other... according to my yoga instructor schedules will not be kept... mechanical objects wont work... things will break... it is a bad time to sign contracts... a good time for the economy to crash... you know... you might find yourself driving up to snowbird for a dip in the hot tub and find out it closes an hour earlier than expected... you might witness a car accident or two... your roommate might loose her phone and her car will be broken into... you might find out that your scooter parts will not be available until spring... i dont know... things like that... so it is a good time to learn to practice patients... or something like that...
note: every last one of these photos are stolen... or um... borrowed...the quality is awesome because they are taken with camera phones... thanks sharing...
it is late... my eyes are heavy and my body is ready for sleep... but... here i am... google-ing lyrics and watching youtube videos... last time i couldnt wait until morning to do this was back when i saw ghost land observatory... that night i was actually practicing dance moves all be my lonesome... no dancing right now... tonight... but listening... listening... and my ears like what they hear... my ears like the way the man with the beard puts his words together... how he describes his pillow... he calls it a threshold to a kingdom...
Because the pillow that i dream on Is the threshold of a kingdom Is the threshold of a world Where I'm with you
or how he is getting back into getting back into some you...
thanks ram and dainon! when it comes to music i will continue to trust the two-s of you-s...
and p.s. i like the company i got to keep this day and night...glad to be with the folks i was... this rainy day and night... i must say this has been a very good conference Saturday... much much much better than October conferance Saturday a year ago... it was also raining... but it was much colder... i probably should say a thing or two about conference... maybe tomorrow... i will probably write something about angles...
hmmm...
probably should shower... again... and sleep
think i will listen to the pillow song just one more time... and a few more
so... an email i received just a few minutes ago....
Bonjour all, Jean and I are on the last leg of our 8 hour drive to Nice and as it's dark and I've already napped my fair share today,so I thought I'd send a quick email from J's blackberry. Aside from touring the southern countryside by car,I've experienced a good amt of French culture and cuisine. Today I had my 1st real french crepe and wasn't as impressed as I thought I'd be. Too many fake sweet american crepes probably ruined it for me and at the reststop we just came from I had a stale croissant BUT i did have soup from a futuristic machine and a nutella snak pak. Everyone I've met as been so kind and friendly and not at all what I had assumed and heard french to be. A man earlier did tell me that the people in the south are more friendly and laid back.there are hot springs in Dax where Jean grew up and a fair share of french tourists. We stayed there last nite after taking a 4.5 hour train from Paris.was a bit cold and would've loved a dip in the hot springs altho I can feel it warming up outside as we drive closer to the eastern mediterrainean coast. We also saw a really cool city and gate/castle built in 11th century. I'm hoping we can hop into Italy while in Nice and even Spain once we return to Dax since it's only 1.5 hrs away.It's driving me crazy not being able to rattle off to these people in their language and being shy is not something I enjoy! Ok, thanks for reading my musings and may this email arrive to you with a smile! Peace,Janalie
