i cant stop posting... go to bed tanya... go to bed!

just this one... just quick... okay??? okay.

so i recently was prescribed the floral essence holly... it's going to heal my heart... it is healing my heart...

i am so motivated right now... almost impatient... moving ahead as fast as my soul will let me... and along this path... the coolest people have been put on my path to expedite the process...

i made a few choices last year that have held me back... i knew i wasnt following my sixth sense (or seventh chakras) - but i ignored it... i didnt trust... and now its like God is saying... okay... you did your thing... now catch up to where you were and the time that you missed as you took that little detour.... and um... here's this person with this talent... and this person with this attribute... and this person to learn from... and this book ... and this passage...

and i have mentioned it before... and i will again...

people... i am not my best right now... I am moody... I get jealous... I get defensive... I get catty... I hate it... and.... and... it's okay for now if it means there is some sort of brilliant white light at the end of it all... there is by the way... I see it... just on the horizon...

for some reason.... this song is really speaking to me right now...i feel it...(<- go to that link and push play)... one line says... he's riping off the scars... he doesn't want them anymore... I kind of feel that way... enough you know... I am done...

Costa Rica … or rich coast… a name given the country by mistake.

I studied Central America a bit in the fall. Here are a few facts.

-Costa Rica has more teachers/educators than soldiers… and the people like it that way.

-They have never been invaded…
war is constantly around them, and they have never been dragged into it… this is mostly attributed to the fact that they are a poor country and because of their abundant vegetation and mountainous landscape invaders cannot penetrate the country.

Since Costa Rica did not have these precious metals they were left alone by the invaders that raped the land in the surrounding Central American countries. This kept them isolated from the control of Spain and other competing forces. When Central America received its independence… I don’t remember when… it was not a big deal to Costa Ricans… they just went on with their lives as usual. So they have been totally fortunate to be free of the precious metals that others want.

-Name given by mistake... When Spaniards first arrived in the country they thought that it was rich in precious metals because of the apparel of the people they saw… These people were not Costa Ricans, These individuals were in the trade business and Costa Rica was a trade location…

-Less class distinction then other Central American countries... The people in Costa Rica are less divided by class then other Central American Countries… - Because of the landscape even those with more money had to work ‘by the sweat of their brow’ in order to survive. Everyone worked. So a rich man and a poor man shared the joy of labor… one was not above the other.

A guest lecture told a story about how a fellow professor, originally from El Salvador, experienced this… In an expensive hotel he had the same waiter for about a week. By the end of the week the waiter sat with him for a beer. The professor was shocked that a waiter would take such liberties. This freedom expressed by the waiter was unheard of in his home country. The waiter asked what he was doing for the weekend… they were going to the same beach town. While the professor was at dinner in another nice hotel with his family he saw his waiter outside the window on the beach with his whole family. The waiter waved to the man from outside… to him the two were now good friends… he wanted to introduce him to his family that was camping outside the hotel.

-A courtry that really believes in doing the best thing for the people of the country... At one point when an American company… I think it was called American Fruit Company… or something like that… they came into Costa Rica and were exploiting the native laborers… The people protested and demanded better treatment… They pushed communist propaganda… The Fruit Companies response was to crush the rebellion… and from what I can tell the fruit company probably tried to throw their weight around to force this agenda… but instead… INSTEAD!!!! This makes me LOVE this country… instead of crushing the rebellion and continuing to exploit the workers…, which would seem like the most profitable decision… the government listened to the concerns of the people and gave them rights. WOW!!!! WOW!!! What kind of a government takes one for the team… Costa Rica… Wow!!! It is so amazing… I am so impressed…

They care about education.
When this country set up their education system they copied the French model. Their intellectuals studied the philosophers from the Enlightenment… Our own education system was originally inspired by German thought… which means Nietzsche… I have only skimmed his writings… enough to know that they make my chest feel heavy. I am sure he was brilliant… enough to influence the thinking of nations… including our own… changing definitions so that to be peaceful = weakness... power=good... weak... or anything like unto it = bad... the difference... in my opinion is this... When your goal is power... the only reason to obtain education is to gain power... okay... so why do people go to university in America... to get a well paying job... because money equals power... and power equals good...

if power were no motivator... why would you go to university...hmmm.. because you love to learn... it enriches your life... because you believe in education... hmmmm... Just a reminder... Costa Rica is the only country with more educators than soldiers... hmmm... I wonder which culture is more advanced... ours.... or theirs???

I wonder which has more power.... ours... or theirs???? ... I wonder who will eventually crush who... kind of sad... but I would rather be crushed and happy then to be the one doing the crushing... its too bad that electronics cannot be equally traded for bananas.... ok... i will stop... I am being Debby Downer...

Let's recap...

No riches.
No riches = no war... no invasion... little class distinction... equality...

Peace.
People devoted to peace = people devoted to education

Okay… still with me??? This the part where I brag... just a little...

So after studying all of these things and falling in love with the country based solely on the tid-bits of history… after all of this, when the opportunity came up for me to go it was not a question. Now good friend Linda announced a yoga retreat one Sunday in RS… she was only an acquaintance then… after the announcement I sat by her and said, I am going!

I couldn’t think of a better group of women… a better country… a better agenda… do yoga and cleanse my hot bod…, clearing my beautiful mind and enriching my ginourmous soul!

other potential adventures
-river raft-ing
-volcano-ing
-surf-ing
-hang-ing out naked in a tropical paradise... this does not happen enough!
-horse back rid-ing
-dolphin and whale watch-ing

leave-ing Thursday... :)

"I'm not really from the ghetto!" -Janis J Dawg

Saw the movie into the wild last night… I had the strongest urge to run away into the wilderness… secretly begged my maker to let me live naturally sometime in the future… as in… here is the dream… get married to some amazing man and live in the wild or as close as we can for a while…

But really… the movie made me tear up a few times because it was so beautiful… and I feel this need to be a part of it… driving though mountain passes isn’t enough… I want to swim through the tops of the trees… the limitations of my body… hmmm

The movie reminded me of the more wild and free times… the wilderness working times… I have to make a point to remember those experiences… because after doing it for a while… all of the memories blend… from being a kid and swimming in ponds... to swimming in rivers on the trail...

Here are a few… specifically for Liz & Joal, Laura and Sunny & Joe… and mostly for Laura and Joal because you two actually read this from time to time...

-Liz playing I could go crazy on a night like tonight…I still love her version better than the indigo girls… and she played it for me next to the old abandoned shack… do you guys remember when Janis was so spooked by it she refused to do lone-walking… it was that week… I think Liz had to rescue her… anyone remember the whole story?

-And I remember singing in the rain with Laura… we sang behold tis eventide…along with a few other hymns… and the sun came out… and joal was walking down the creek - - maybe even in his knee high moccasins… he stopped to listen and told us it reminded him of his mission… later when I was on my mission - - I always thought of that moment when I sang that song…

-And I remember the boys groups calling joal’s moccasins his hooker boots…

-And sunny running down red creek because I left something back at camp… either a gps… or a map… something that was worth the 3-mile jog… and as we crossed the river I lost the map… oops…

-Joe playing beauty shop with me and one of my favorite young walkers… a 12-year-old from New York…

-Joe bringing my group mint leaves he found next to the creek… of course in his leather overalls…

-All of you spitting on me… because we loved each other that much…

-Adam Lindsey speaking to me in a made up language looking over a valley..."

-Dancing hands... and a young walker saying, "there is a yellow man down by the river"...

-being really hungry, tired, cold, hot, scared, excited, sad, and absolutely at peace

-Road trips…

-People falling in love

Trail days... some of the hardest greatest days… I love you all that shared that time with me!!! I would love to hear the bits and pieces that you remember most...

man wearing a bow-tie, carrying a briefcase and riding a unicycle… awesome!... one of these said hi to me on the street today...

another man in corporate khakis, and a wind jacket… slightly balding… slightly overweight… probably mid 40s family man… walking with 3 shiny purple and pink heart balloons in hand… awesome again!

thought I would share…

i would look good on this scooter... hmmm (fingers crossed)...

p.s. I just wanted to give a shout out to anyone who has ever farted during yoga… today someone farted and the instructor (a good friend) said, ‘good job’…. I am pretty sure she was talking about the person's willingness to let it ALL go…

for a sharp mind… take vitamins.
for a heart full of love and optimism (D&C 111… wow!)
for a happy and warm belly… mmmm sweet potatoes
for a soul at peace… yoga…
for an alive imagination... new snow

and that's that.

its the sweet foam on top of rice pudding

the soft inner-ds of an artichoke...
the ice like substance that clings to ice-cream in a root beer float...
the fresh cool air that results from sprinklers on a July night time bike ride...
its the nalgene of hot water while winter camping...
a fire in the distance after being alone and lost for an hour or more because you wandered too far from camp for a late night pee...
the first day of sunlight after weeks of fog
the yellowing of aspen leaves in the fall
the sweet foam on top of rice pudding

its the best way i can explain the people that are around me... baffles me really... it has happened beyond my choosing...

and it is good.

a house of healing...

So a week ago while most… well, a few people were watching the super bowl... I decided the moon needed a saluting… part of the moon salutation is the goddess pose… as I ran through the salutation I kept coming back to this pose and holding it… holding… hold…. Until what feminine energy I was inviting...no begging for encircled me and I instinctual-ly fell into crow pose... gratitude… and crying… and more gratitude and crying and… more crying…

This turned into prayer... the actual act of communicating with God... which evolved into meditation…, which evolved into intention… what has come from this… a house of healing…

It was meant to be this even before I came here… but after the yoga, crying, praying and meditation that is what this has become… and that is what it is…

And the first signs to show themselves are what has been happening for me… and next the outpouring of truth that happened last night…

Friend Emily said when she walked in Saturday… ‘good things are going to happen here, I can feel it…’

And these good things have just begun…

Somewhere behind by ribcage and rising to my throat is a swirl of gratitude, love, and bewilderment… there are also a lot of other emotions I am feeling… and no matter how difficult it may be I accept them... wincing maybe, but willingly… only because I know what is possible...

and ode to my dear friends for helping me to know what these possibilities are...

and ode to a creator who likes me enough to make it all happen...

☺

'there is nothing worth living for anymore'

So today I went home early from work… my mind wouldn’t function…in a meeting I asked a dws person about ors… and the response was a very detailed blah blah blah blah blah blah… I said okay… I will look into that…

Everything a fog… I felt dizzy…. I blame this on skipping lunch and avoiding hunger with candy….

Went home early… almost knocked over a woman on the bus who was taking too long… I had to get home… to sleep… Two hours later I went to the grocery store…

Last weekend I was listening to a friend’s friend’s online motivation/self help thingy… the thought conveyed was… if negitive results were immediate in the same way that unhealthy things can be instantly gratifying – people would be less likely to do unhealthy things… he said if we ate something that was unhealthy and we immediately gained 20 lbs – we wouldn’t eat it…

My thoughts… well… maybe I wont gain 20 lbs right away… but eating sugar really does drag me down IMMEDIATELY…

Today at Smith’s (after my two hour sugar comma) they announced… hurry, only 10 minutes left to get a dozen donuts for a dollar…

About 5 men were crowded around the donut area fighting for the last of the cheap donuts… I just watched as they fought over each other… one was an acquaintance of mine… I didn’t want to embarrass him so I didn’t say hi…

I was the last to choose from the left overs… the man right in front of me said… 'there is nothing good left, there is nothing worth living for anymore' … I laughed… it is a sad day when the choice to live is based on dollar donuts…

Then when in the check out like I saw my acquaintance… he apologetically said… ‘you eat so healthy… and here I am with my dollar donuts…’ I pointed out my bag of donuts next to the organic this and that to make him feel better…

Came home… ate donuts… feeling spacey, dizzy, tired…hmmm