in the water... freezing and a little shell shocked...

me so scared sometimes...

this... um... was a little embarrassing... and exhilarating... because you see... only a year ago did I get the courage to jump off the high dive in a swimming pool... i screamed like a girl... and i am okay with that because i am one...

afterwards my friend told me everyone was watching and sort of laughing... which they totally should have... i would have laughed too...

but i don't really care... i jumped... and since i have already forgotten the fear i might even do it again sometime...

"there is a reason why most of the worlds religions began in the desert" Janis Ian

more about easter and how it should be celebrated in the desert...

thank you Chris for helping me document this little life...

so... i am totally into Easter... really... its my favorite holiday... i could do without Christmas... i am sort of/completely turned off by the commercialism and high expectations attached to the holiday... its reason enough to raise my family outside the US... but please... don't touch easter... new life... Christ... the atonement... spring... end of winter... love... love... love Easter...

Betty Lou at 80... What an incredible lady!

i wish there was a better way to label these here photos... the group shot is almost all of my Hemingway cousins... there is also a photo of the tree that my mom remembers planting as a little girl... more than one limb was broken in that tree... and finally i am with Chalice's husband and daughters in Zion's... Lilly was so cute... as we walked back up the trail she followed my lead in saying "I love the rocks... I love the water... I love the sky... I love the tree... " it was cute until she pooped while sitting on my shoulders... poor little thing had to walk the rest of the way...















my sister ginger is front and center of the Gpa Hemingway tree tree photo. She is the one with her hand touching her little face... Corey is in the tree... and I think Dixie has Angie on her shoulders.. Michel is at the very top... cant really make out everyone else...

thanks tall, covered in leather from head to toe and not creepy stranger...

so when i was leaving the library tonight i was thinking about what it means to be powerful. why was i thinking this... earlier at one world cafe a guy sat down with me... he started writing on a note pad… this was our written conversation…

him: hi. how are you?
me: fine
him: i am fine. what is your name? my name is john
me: tanya. your food looks good.
him: yeah! do you work
me: yeah. at the road home
him: with homeless?
me: yes. what do you do?
him: looking for job. looking for woman to have a good time.
me: oh. good luck with that.
him: you married?
me: no
him: single?
me: yeah. sort of dating someone.... (this is one of those truths that is only about 10% true)
him: getting to know him.
me: yes.
(uncomfortable silence - he starts reading something)
me: what are you reading?
him: i read newspaper. i read on line. i read the occult
him again: i have met lucifer in my dreams
me: how was that?
him: i sold my soul
me: in your dream? okay. so how is that working for you?
him: i signed a contract
me: what do you get out of it?
him: he told me that the hebrew god is the god of goats... (and something else about lucifer being the real god)
me: oh. so Lucifer told you he was really god.
him: nothing. silence
me: interesting. i have to go. bye.

as i was leaving a server at one world asked me if john was bothering me... they explained that sometimes he sits with people who would rather be left alone. i said no, he just wanted to explain to me that he sold his soul to satan...

so... my point... power... the fact... and i say fact because i have experienced it... the fact that light is more powerful than darkness... so i was thinking about what it is about me that is powerful... trying to understand feminine power... what exactly is that... all of this rapidly rushing through my mind as i was leaving the library at closing time...

and then... i noticed a man in front of me... he was decked out from head to toe in black leather... i felt like he wanted to say hello... and also that that might not be okay... since i was alone... it was late... and he a stranger... a tall dark stranger... (see Staples, Just Walk on By)... but i could tell he was kind... maybe from the south where it is always expected that you hold the door open for a woman... i have had friends tell me that they have been accused of not treating women as equals when they try to open doors for them... so... perhaps my tall covered in leather stranger thought of these things and chose against closing in on my personal space... without acknowledging that he noticed my presence… as he walked out the door he pushed the handicap button on the other side that automatically opened the door for me...

thanks leathered man... you managed to show me respect without invading my personal space... I am grateful because this act of respect was in its truest form… as it was done in a manner that showed there was nothing in it for him… simply the act of thinking of someone else… me… thanks

p.s. i don’t think john has really joined forces with the dark side... he's harmless... just a little sensitive about being shot down... I know what dark/evil feels like… and john was a little off maybe… but I think the contract he signed with Satan can be re-negotiated.

Costa Rica... a few photos in paradise

who has $18 for a cab ride? luckily some nice german boys picked us up... lounging in hammocks... being led in yoga... and setting our intentions...

the raw energy of water... saving enough free breakfast in plastic bags to last all day...

she asked me about the birds.

i wrote this in the airport. i have noticed that when i leave a place that i have loved i always feel sad... nostalgic... thoughtful... and every conversation seems to matter... in retrospect they may be just conversations... in the moment they mean something to me... maybe when i leave this life i will be greeted by all of the people i have met and loved in airports...

march 4 in the San Jose airport

This day. people i have met a long the way. woman in hippie skirt- long curly gray hair - found more than just a of a look of peace, love and tranquility - also disappointment - short sightedness- maybe - but also comfort... felt so sad i wanted to cry, instead i chose to talk to her in line...

she asked me about the birds.

she asked me maybe three times... so i asked

me: do you like watching birds?
her: well i am old. when you are old you have to watch the birds.

i assumed her to be an avid bird watcher... that perhaps the birds alone brought her from Canada to Costa Rica. she's from Toronto. she cares for an elderly lady that lives on a private lake... maybe she watches the birds on her employers private lake.

her: no, only started watching the birds since i came here.
me: how long have you been here.
her: 21 days
me: oh.


my next friends told me to drink my water...

they were a couple... i sat by them...

me: are you all on my flight?
them: yes
me: why is everyone else standing in line?
them: we don't know.

i dropped my book
the man: don't forget that...
me: thanks
the man: be sure to drink your water. they will take it from you
me: the water already made it past security... i think it should be okay.
the man: oh... well, i don't know. but i think they will take it from you.
me. (noticed the security taking water at the gate) oh you are right. (drinking water) why do they do that
the man: i don't know

what did i love about this? i will tell you. The man could see the security people collecting water bottles at the gate. my view was obstructed. the man knew what i couldnt know. when i second guessed him... instead of insisting... or challenging me as i had challenged him he stepped back... it was out of respect for my experience... gentle guidance... i didnt have to listen, but if i did i would be less thirsty on the flight...

I think this man and woman have been together for many years. She was comfortable being helped by him... and he was confident taking care of her... I could tell they loved each other... I could also tell they knew how to not rush to wait... everyone else on our flight seemed so anxious to be the first... in line before everyone else... like sitting on the plane longer than anyone else would make the flight go faster... why were they in such a fit to leave the country... i wanted to stay as long as the flight gods would let me... we... me and the couple waited until the line was empty... we enjoyed easy conversation... again... spoke with ease... they are from michagan... they had accents... i didnt ask where the accents were from... i was curious, but i am sure they are always asked... who we are isn't where we are from... it is telling... but what mattered more was the fact that they were kind and that we were living in the moment... it was a good moment.

as quoted in After the Ecstasy, the Laundry... on page 23

When Death Comes

Mary Oliver

When death comes like the hungry bear in autumn; when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse to buy me, and snaps the purse shut; when death comes like the measles-pox; when death comes like an iceberg between the shoulder blades, I want to step through the door full of curiosity, wondering: what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness? And therefore I look upon everything as a brotherhood and a sisterhood, and I look upon time as no more than an idea, and I consider eternity as another possibility, and I think of each life as a flower, as common as a field daisy, and as singular, and each name a comfortable music in the mouth tending as all music does, toward silence, and each body a lion of courage, and something precious to the earth. When it's over, I want to say: all my life I was a bride married to amazement. I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

friend olivia pointed out the last stanza as quoted... I thought about this stanza as we were leaving Nosara and driving back to San Jose. The scene that surrounded... the natural beauty.... made me feel like a bride married to amazement... and I wrapped these metaphors around and around... envisioned being married to the world... envisioned taking the world into my arms...

I really really really want to go camping... I hate to even call it camping... camping seems to require effort... I want to wander... gather a few things and then drive to a lovely isolated location... leave everything behind and just wander...

spring will come... i know she will...

the song says april... but... april/spring... same thing... but of course may stays... and i am may...mae

i like thinking of the earth and the seasons as female... makes me feel connected to her... like in a way i am her... because when i am alone with her i become her...and really i am her... we all are

its almost spring...

and i am a bride married to amazement.

Hacienda del Sol

a place of transformation...

the following photos are borrowed from different sources... i actually didn't take any photos and it may be a bit before i retrieve photos from friends...

so... know there is more to come.

the door to my cabana...

what to write?
what to write?

hacienda del sol. mmmm. its a little space... a little place... full of peace... every day my body relaxed again... and again... and... again.

experianced breathing... sleeping... reading... learning... connecting... opening... allowing... streatching... laughing... dancing... eathing... creation... my creation... family... love... friends... and scorpians...

now im home... hmmm....

and... i feel happy.