I am not that cool.

I dont watch t.v. I don't read the news paper or magazines... i do spend too much time on line... but it is usually on craig's list looking for apartments or free stuff... or on this blog... i am totally dependent on other people to keep me informed...

at work...

someones face was peaking over a cubicle... i screamed... it was george
i went over to the cubicle to see what all of the excitement was about... they were taking down a magazine picture of alesia keys... it had been on the ceiling so long that when the office was repainted... who knows how long ago... the painter painted around alesia keys... i said whose that... one co-worker laughed and the other said... Tanya, you are killing me... my point... i didn't know who alesia keys was... but now i do...

i appreciate music... and when i was a kid... before i knew what bills were... my income/allowance was completely dedicated to this appreciation... but now... i depend on others... i am a lazy music lover... but still a lover... really... some sounds are so nice they make my belly ache... as in... how can i just hear that and not do something... i don't usually strike a pose... but i think it would be better for me soul if i did...

all of this build up... this music chit chat... i just wanted to post something by dr.dog... i didn't know who they were until last night... because a friend sent out an announcement to all... felt rich so i paid the cover charge at urban lounge and enjoyed the show... i liked all three groups... the line up... a goulash of genres... i really like the opening band... couldn't find anything online... not even a myspace page... the second band Hacienda, from Texas... that is almost reason enough for me to like em... i would go see them again... and i will in a few weeks... and finally dr. dog... here is a song for you and you and you.



either it is a cover of this or the this is a cover of that... I am not sure who is covering who??? it sounds more like an Architecture In Helsinki song... but it could belong to Dr. Dog... I need to do more research... but I probably wont... so maybe someone else can help me out on this one...

peace be unto you-all

i hope you like music... or something... enough that it makes you ache. :)

a story about a stalker... sort of

I posted this little story on my friends dating blog...


During my short stretch in Provo a boy who lived in SLC told me that every girl in Provo thinks she has a stalker… He said that secretly the girls exaggerate harmless crushes because they lack excitement in their lives and want to think someone would be crazy enough to be obsessed with them… I said I felt left out because I never experienced what every other girl in Provo had… I wanted a stalker of my very own… I asked him if he would stalk me just to be nice. He said no… rude.

But… I kind of felt stalked recently… or not really… maybe??? Who knows? I don't know why I felt so left out back in P town… Being stalked to the extent that SLC boy said every girl in P-town is stalked is not that exciting… it is not flattering… it is just nothing… it is just sitting at a party and looking up to see someone giving me an empty subjective stare… the kind of stare that penetrates the crowd and window between… the stare that you only catch if you look up right in the moment when because of the way other peoples reflections on the window allow you to see the stalker instead of your own reflection… p.s. when I say words like you I mean me…

I actually doubt it really constitutes as stalking… more like plain old school staring… but the stare is totally a stalker stare… like I said… empty and objectifying… weird and sad… I guess it was something enough for me to write this… but the truth is… I have thought about it… and not because of any of the normal reasons … not that I know what exactly a normal reason for giving attention to a stalker is…it is because I feel sorry for my stalker… that's all…

I guess for the record he isn't a very thorough stalker… he will probably never read this… look in my windows or leave me breathy phone messages…none of the exciting stalker stuff…I think he is kind of a lazy opportunist stalker… ho-hum… just that empty stare… but... again… can it really be stalking if the only time I am the recipient of this stare is when there is nothing better to stalker stare at…

I guess I still long for my own personal P-town stalker… let me know if you or anyone you know is interested…

i kind of miss my life in the desert...

into the wild...

going over my blog... re-reading my summer... it has been good... have been listening to a few tunes that will always remind me of this summer.... this one... and this one... and this... and even this....

and...

summer...

it is almost october... is summer over? :(

already???... already!!! i am not exactly happy about this... not at all...

it just isn't right the way she leaves every year... it is too soon... i will miss... i do miss summer... may spring come quickly... and may i learn to love fall and appreciate again the silence of winter... i think i need to get out of the house now... go for a walk... fall in love with fall... before he too leaves to make room for winter...

kundalini yoga... it is new to me... i am new to it...

this video is about an hour...

since the accident i have not really been able to move... in the ways i love... no swimming, biking or normal yoga... :(

my kula yoga pass was about to expire so i decided to try the kundalini classes after hearing that they mostly just sit, breath...

kundalini... i like it... it is so new age weird and great... not in the same way that the people in the california desert welcomed the martians in mars attacks...


but i for real like it... its really funny... the breathing and some of the chanting... friend elin came last week and it was hard not to laugh... but i still am feeling myself getting way into it...

anyways... yoga... kundalini... people usually raise an eyebrow because it is supposed to be really good for sexual energy...people are probably right... and people are pervs... it is about more than just sexual energy...

Kundalini
Description:
Energetic!! Kundalini Yoga (as taught by Yogi Bhajan) is a dynamic, comprehensive technology for mind, body and spirit that combines movement, breath, sound, music and more to leave you vitalized and uplifted in a short space of time. It is also known as Humanology as it includes teachings on all facets of life. The results are self-healing, and the uncoiling of your hidden potentials and inner talents. It has been taught worldwide since 1969. The class format usually consists of warmups followed by a yoga "set" or kriya followed by relaxation and a meditation.

good stuff... it has only been a week and ... sa, ta, na, ma.... i mean... namaste...and may the loving light surround you... all of those things!!!

i like it. the yoga that is.

so saturday morning my boss texted me to ask about my family. I didnt even know there was a hurricane Ike... hurricanes never really hit houston... its totally like the boy who called wolf... i didnt even think it was anything to get excited about... i really wasnt worried... but now i know it was something to be excited about... i am reminded of the movie places in the heart... its the movie where gidget tries to raise a cotton crop without a husband... she has two cute kids and helper... a tornado hits and its the climax of the movie... everyone lives and they manage to pull through with a successful crop in the end...

so on my sister's blog she said that during the winds the trees were bent over parallel to the ground... cool!.... and my sister mandy stayed in houston... they boarded up their windows and doors... their neighbors didnt and their windows were blown out and i think their door too... so in the middle of the storm the neighbors sought refuge in mandy's house... she is like state farm... a good neighbor who is there...

i finally talked to my dad this morning... he stayed in houston at the bishops storehouse to help... he works there... so its expected of him... also... i could tell he loved being in the mix of it all... when i talked to him it sounded pretty chaotic... church people from other cities in texas were at the store house to help... they were cleaning up and making sure people were ok... i asked him if he knew of any casualties... he couldn't say... we probably know more since they haven't had electricity...

i know there are storms that are worse... and this probably isnt that exciting to people that have suffered loss... but for me... sitting here safe and snug and knowing my family is all the same... wish i could have been there.... :( feel kind of left out.

the hemingways in milcreek canyon...

we might be distantly related to ernest... but not enough to claim... even though we all do... last week i watched a documentary on his life... not only did earnest commit suicide but several of his siblings did as well... he kind of always thought that is the way he would go... something else about him... his mother used to dress him in little girls clothing... the only time he got to be manly was when he went hunting with his father... as an author he was later known as the masculine american voice... it is interesting that his own parents seemed to have switched masculine/feminine roles... father obeyed his mother... i also think it is interesting that the first two women he loved were 10 years older than he was... hmmm....

this post has nothing to do with ernest hemingway... we are not even related...

before i forget... a few simple conversations that will make me laugh in the future... the kind of conversations i will forget if i don't record... but they probably wont make you laugh... in fact they will probably bore you... what i am trying to say is... um... i like my family... they are funny to me... and when they are the funniest is when they are not trying to be... all of these conversations were totally serious... which is the only reason they are even a little funny... but they are a lot funny to me...

after singing puff the magic dragon
grandma: why does that song have to end so sad?
dixie: because the boy went away
grandma: doesnt the dragon know there are more little boys?...someone told me that was a drug song... but i always really liked it
coleen: you can interpret anything to mean what you want it to

the only thing my grandpa said to me... he doesn't say much
grandpa: you better hurry and get married or you are going to turn into an old maid
tanya: grandpa, you sure know how to make someone feel good. (even though he has no idea how rude he is being these comments always throw me off guard and sort of make me feel bad)...how about i just go to the next camp site and pick me out a husband? it shouldn't be that difficult.
coleen: we saw her with a boy before (in my defense)
joey: was it _____?
angie: the guy looked like marc... laugh laugh laugh - (marc's my uncle)

after several songs around the fire
gabe: dad, how do you know all of these songs?
michael: when you get to be my age you know a lot of songs.
a little while later
gabe: (to his dad)why do we have to keep singing?
dixie: your grandma paula used to play the guitar and she made sure that we knew all of these songs... (p.s. i kind of think my family gets cool points for singing songs like 'puff the magic dragon', 'age of aquarius' and 'one tin soldier rides away'.

after singing one tin soldier rides away
grandma: we need another song... one with more soldiers... one tin soldier riding away isn't enough...

prior to blowing out the candles on jacob's birthday cake (it had 10 candles even though he is turning 11)
joey: looks like you have to be 10 again because we don't have enough candles
a bit later... after calling for the kids to come to the eating area for birthday cake ritual
carma: everyone sing happy birthday so the kids will come
everyone: ... happy birthday to you... we sang the whole song and the kids didn't come running as planned.
carma: lets sing it again only louder this time
everyone: ... happy birthday to you..
someone goes to get the kids...and we finally sang it for real... but when it was time to sing for real...
jason: didn't we already sing this song twice
tanya: it was a trick birthday song...
later
grandma: we should sing for dixie since we missed her birthday
someone: we already sang that song three times

around 8:45
grandma: we need to go. what time do we have to leave?
dixie: we have to be out by 10:00 p.m.
grandma: what time is it?
dixie: a quarter to 9:00
grandma: that means we have 15 minutes
dixie: that means we have an hour and 15 minutes
grandma: i think we should get going... there is going to be traffic... (grandma rode with coleen)... we have been here too long.
around 9:30
coleen: put those last two logs on the fire. we dont want to have to drag that wood home with us
tanya puts the last to peices on
grandma: (in a panic) what are you doing? we cant build the fire up. it is time to leave.
tanya: do you feel trapped?
carma: laugh laugh laugh
angie's baby: laugh laugh laugh
poor grandma... she did get to leave a few minutes later

tanya: (to my cousins baby)... oh... so she is a tauraus... good...
coleen: we think geminis are ok too.
tanya: but supposedly the taurus and gemini are not supposed to get along
coleen: well your mom is a taurus and we got along really well.
coleen: your mom used to be so particular. she is legendary at my house. we shared a room growing up. her side of the closet was always tidy. her clothes were always clean and hung up. my side of the room always had clothes everywhere. she also used to have really good style. she knew how to buy clothes that looked good on her...
tanya: today i cleaned my house. on my good days i think i am like my mom.
tanya: (my thoughts) hmmm.... maybe that is why i get such pleasure out of cleaning and organizing... and maybe that is where i get my fashion sense...

I vowed to never again live in the suburbs!!!

they are bad bad bad... sorry to those of you in the suburbs... but it is really how I feel.

they are lifeless... and promote dirty rotten consumerism...

we have too much.

we don’t need everything we do have.

bigger is not better...

yesterday a co-worker said, "sandy wants to be the new downtown". I couldn’t formulate my thoughts... they involved a lot of half statements made out of frustration... I haven’t been that great at formulating my thoughts since my face hit a truck... but one thing I said was, "Sandy will never be the next downtown... What are they trying to do, create a ghetto?... I will never ever live in the suburbs!... Sandy is big and shiny and lifeless!...

it is terrifying what happens to a city as the suburbs develop... when this happens a city dies... inner cities/ ghettos are created... the people in the inner city cannot get out... all the tax money leaves for the suburbs (white flight)... and the cities die... school systems, libraries, museums and parks all deteriorate... when children grow up in a neighborhood where adults do not get up and go to work… those children never learn how to work… we know many of the things we know instinctually because we watched our parents who watched their parents do it…

I love SLC. I think before downtown SLC becomes the next american ghetto many things will have to change. many community minded people will have to turn their backs on the city... for now there are plenty of gentrifier’s (is that a word?)... to keep the city flowing... we need everyone...

I am especially partial to the homeless population… because I work with them... and have learned a thing or two in the past year... they are a part of the city... the community... their life style and culture tends to differ from the norm... the middle class... but they are human… they are just trying like the rest of us to make it… surviving... the best way that they know how.

there are many psychological and societal circumstances that create homelessness... but the point is that it exists. I read the book sidewalk in college... written by a sociologist... it refers to people on the streets as characters... the book is about black street vendors in greenwich village and their work culture... to them selling books and magazine on the street a legitimate business… many of the characters have been on the same street corner for years… they sleep on the street to keep their place… if they leave, someone else will come and take their place… one of the characters referred to in the book now teaches at NYU... at the encouragement of the author he overcame the stigma against formal education possessed my many people in poverty culture...

the author didn't coin the term character... the term showed up again and again in my sociology classes… i cant remember where it originally came from... anyways, a character is someone who is consistent... who is there and who is a part of the community... their presence makes people feel safe. they are part of the neighborhood. they watch out for other people… acting as a protector they feel a sense of belonging or a place in the community that otherwise rejects them…

one of my clients told me of an emergency situation at Liberty park… my client stepped up to the bat and prevented several people from getting hurt… when he told the story it was the self respect that he felt in being able to contribute… even though he was homeless, he had something to give…

There are more than a few characters in SLC... There is a man I have never met before… I see him riding his bike around... I actually haven’t seen him in a while… I hope he is ok... I have never met him... My friend Lisa said that when she walks her dogs at Memory Grove Park he is the only homeless person she feels safe talking to... She said he remembers her... One day he said to her about her dogs, "Oh... they are behaving today"... Another person I know said about him, "He wants people to think he is crazy, but really is an old softy"... Last year there was a stabbing at Pioneer Park... Rumor has it a man who none of the usual homeless Pioneer park peeps knew stabbed a lawyer walking by... The character I am referring to tried to help them man by intervening… He was stabbed in the shoulder in the process… The man that was attacked died, and the police ended up shooting the attacker… I guess our friend who was stabbed in the shoulder could have died from his injuries, but survived and healed quickly… Like I said… all rumors… but rumors I like…

It is true that we must be careful. I am careful about the people I don’t know and I work around... Many of them are mentally ill and/or addicted to hard drugs… but they are people... they are a part of our community... and for whatever reason they are in the situation that they are in...

I respect people who are willing to let go of the, "Not in my backyard" mentality... and I love those who have never thought that way in the first place… Live and work on improving your community instead of running away… that’s all…

p.s. I will feel this way even when I have children.

p.s.s. there are few to no characters in the suburbs...

i have developed a fake limp

honestly...

if you see me limping just tell me to stop.